You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships (Paperback)

You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships By Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. Cover Image
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A groundbreaking approach for practicing courageous love and resilient intimacy—from the creator of Internal Family Systems therapy

Do loving relationships end because couples lack communication skills, struggle to empathize, and fail to accommodate each other’s needs? That’s a common belief within and outside of the therapeutic world… but what if it’s all wrong? In You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, Dr. Richard Schwartz, the celebrated founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, offers a new way—a path toward courageous love that replaces the striving, dependent, and disconnected approach to solving relationship challenges.
The breakthrough realization of IFS is that our psyche contains multiple parts, each with a life of its own. Most problems in relationships arise because we unknowingly burden our partner with the task of caring for our disowned and unloved parts. In this book, you’ll discover essential insights and tools to foster healthy dialogue with your parts and your partner, including:
• How to recognize and disarm the cultural assumptions that create shame, guilt, and isolation in relationships• The Three Projects—why we fool ourselves into thinking we must change our partner, change ourselves, or give up on true intimacy• Finding and Healing Exiles—transforming the way our most vulnerable parts influence the way we treat each other• How to reorient relationship conflicts to help each of us grow toward the Self—the center of our clarity and wisdom• Courageous Love—building resilient intimacy with each other and our parts to create healthy, lasting partnerships
“No one can do the work of healing our orphaned parts for us,” says Dr. Schwartz. “Yet when we begin with Self-leadership, a relationship can become a safe place in which we help each other heal and grow.” Here is an invaluable guide for therapists and laypersons alike to promote connection, trust, and understanding—within yourself and with the one you love.

About the Author

Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, is the creator of Internal Family Systems, a highly effective, evidence-based therapeutic model that de-pathologizes the multipart personality. His IFS Institute offers training for professionals and the general public. Formerly an associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago and later at Northwestern University, he is currently on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. He has published five books and is a sought-after presenter. For more, visit

Praise For…

“This profound and readable book provides clear guidelines for therapists and clients alike. In ways that complement my own work, clients learn how to unload the cultural and family burdens that block intimacy by keeping them locked in rigid gender roles. Therapists learn an empowering and practical process for treating couples. I enthusiastically recommend this book to anyone serious about improving relationships in the world today!” —Terrence Real, author of I Don’t Want to Talk about It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage

“This highly original book offers critical new insights into obstacles to the dance of intimacy. Most of us have inner exiled parts that carry burdens of shame and abandonment from our past. These interfere with our capacity for intimacy. Dick Schwartz shows us how to use the exiles our partners trigger in us to find and heal the source—our original attachment injuries. This releases our capacity to be fully alive in relationships.” —Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD, medical director, the Trauma Center, and professor of psychiatry, Boston University School of Medicine

You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is my relationship bible! The IFS principles and methods shared in this book have offered me direct access to ‘courageous love’ and a greater connection to my husband than I ever thought possible. The book is on my bedside table, and I turn to it as a nightly ritual.” —Gabby Bernstein, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Universe Has Your Back

“Dr. Richard Schwartz’s work on Internal Family Systems, along with his latest book, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, has profoundly changed my life. One of life’s most important endeavors is to learn how to have compassion for oneself, and his work has been instrumental in my own journey to do so. His unique approach has allowed me to grow with love and gentleness in all aspects of my being—cognitively, physically, and emotionally. I deeply believe his work will change the world. Dr. Schwartz’s book is the number one tool I recommend for people who are seeking to find greater compassion and love for themselves and others, especially with regard to better understanding their role within the greater whole and world.” —Krista Williams, cohost and founder of the top-rated Almost 30 and Morning Microdose podcasts and founder of Making Tarot Modern

You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For convincingly reveals a profound truth: if we want to have deeply loving, authentic, meaningful intimate relationships we must begin with the one person we know we can influence—ourselves. Thoroughly researched yet totally accessible, Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book is written in a compelling manner that had me hooked and gave me hope and tools for how I can enjoy more peaceful, courageously loving relationships.” —Tara Schuster, author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies and the forthcoming Glow in the F*cking Dark

“In his new book, Richard Schwartz shares key insights for people who struggle to hold on to their sense of self in the context of relationships. You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is a must-read for anyone seeking a companion on the path toward self-compassion and love.” —Esther Perel, psychotherapist, author, and host of the Where Should We Begin? podcast

“Emerging research suggests that the Internal Family Systems model, developed by Dick Schwartz and outlined in this book, cultivates self-acceptance, enhances inner compassion, and improves emotion regulation skills. This book applies the IFS model to one of the most complex human challenges and opportunities for healing, which is navigating intimate relationships. Our modern culture leaves us adrift in a sea of misunderstandings about how to achieve and sustain intimacy, and this book guides the reader to realize that the healing journey must first start with oneself.” —Zev Schuman-Olivier, MD, assistant professor, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, and director, Center for Mindfulness and Compassion, Cambridge Health Alliance

Product Details
ISBN: 9781683643623
ISBN-10: 1683643623
Publisher: Sounds True
Publication Date: May 9th, 2023
Pages: 192
Language: English